Why You Cheated on Your “Average” Partner
Blame your genetics.
“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
My friend broke up with his girlfriend for the more attractive option — the girl with the bigger boobs, rounder butt, and prettier face.
The sexier girl wasn’t as bubbly and light and soft as his ex. He pleaded for her to take him back; she said no.
Married women cheat more than married women (1). They divorce their safe, “boring” husband for the man who rides motorcycles, owns a business, and has a million Instagram followers.
Her new life in the larger house, with her body bathed in name-brand jewelry and clothes, isn’t as satisfying as she envisioned. Her current lover is rarely home; he’s a frequent flyer for business trips. And he isn’t emotionally present when physically present because he’s in the office working.
We toss and turn the night before the newest iPhone arrives at our front door. We tear the phone from its womb and cuddle and stare at it with tender eyes like holding a newborn.
How long before we’re tossing it across the living room to show our friend a TikTok? Months later, we trade the “old” iPhone for the new.
Why do we stray? Why are we rarely satiated? Why do we choose a “greener lawn” rather than water the one we own? How do we make decisions we won’t regret?
Love Your Enemies
“But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” — Matthew 5:44
It wants the cake and wants to eat it too. It wants what it can’t have. It reaches for candy instead of fruit. It eats ice cream after it packs our stomachs with candy. It wants attention from the one person who won’t give it to them. It chases futures with gold promises but bronze realities.
Who’s this “it” I speak of?
The ego.
The purpose of the ego is to help you — the human organism — survive. It has your best interest at heart. But often, what it assures will help you only hurts you. The ego wants to feel good or avoid feeling bad. It will guide you towards pleasure or away from pain.
But we can’t condemn it. We can’t hate it. We can’t shame it. We can’t fear it.
It’s an aspect, a portion of us. If we reject a sliver of the pie, we inadvertently disown the pie as a whole.
The ego is your most loyal fan. The fan that believes every album you release is a hit. It’s your mom cheering for you at your basketball games. It’s your hype man. Befriend your ego. Smirk at its ridiculousness. Accept it with open arms. Let it warm your heart with love.
The truth is medicine for painful and resentful assumptions. We assume a man at the grocery store is mean to us because they’re a mean person. We later learn this “mean” man is angry at the world because a driver ran his dog over two days ago. Anger is displaced pain. Once we understand the truth, we soften and accept it for what it is.
Now, why would your ego cheat on your partner? Desire the more attractive option? Or seem to have commitment issues?
Pain & Addiction
“Not why the addiction but why the pain.” — Gabor Maté
As we discovered with the “mean” man, our minds are meaning-making machines. Meaning is essential in childhood. Hence explains a child’s favorite question: “why?”
Knowledge is the guidepost for a failure-free and safe life (avoid pain). But, as we’ve come to realize, our assumptions are often faulty.
It’s comforting for a child to believe “I’m not enough” when a parent refuses to hold them when they are crying versus, “the world is harsh, and I’ll never be loved.”
If the child assumes it’s flawed, it can improve and eventually receive love. If the child assumes the world is “set and stone,” the pursuit of love is pointless.
Again, the ego wants us to feel better or not feel worse. So to soothe the pain of “I’m not enough,” we chase validation and approval.
“Why isn’t the love, acceptance, and approval of our partner (or one person) enough?”
The brain has an information filtering mechanism called the Reticular Activation System (RAS). Our beliefs only accept information that will confirm its reality and reject contradictory evidence. “I’m not enough” blinds us to examples — affirmations from friends, family, and romantic partners — that would imply “I am enough.”
“It seems no matter how often I tell her I love her; it’s never enough. She never believes me.”
Attention, validation, approval, and affirmations temporarily numb the pain similar to drugs. We become addicted to “substances” that make us feel good or alleviate our pain.
“Where there’s pain, there’s addiction.” — Gabor Mate
Time & Energy
“The ego hurts you like this: you become obsessed with the one person who does not love you. Blind to the rest who do.” — Warsan Shire
The most valuable commodities in our life are time and energy. There are sixteen hours in a day (if we sleep eight). We only have so much “gas in the tank” before we need to refuel. Seventy-three is the average lifespan of a human (2).
Instinctually we understand the scarcity of the commodities, so we choose to use them on pursuits that promise the greatest reward, often in the quickest amount of time. How much effort (or energy) we dedicate to an endeavor depends on the perceived award.
For example, the entrepreneur will work fifteen hours a day, only taking breaks to eat, drink, and shower because he believes business success will reward him status, respect, and admiration.
Or, conversely, we hesitate to work on our side hustle and instead watch Netflix because we already worked eight hours and satisfied our survival necessities for food, water, and shelter. The pros — more money and independence — of building your side hustle to a business don’t outweigh the cons — time and energy expenditure.
Relationally, if we have the approval of a person, we don’t feel compelled to keep “watering the grass.” Instead, we’ll desire the greener, more expansive garden.
We may have high regard amongst every person in a group except one and will focus our efforts on conquering their praise because there’s a potential upside: the pleasure of approval.
The Need for “More” & “Better”
“Or, rather, let us be more simple and less vain.” — Rousseau Jean-Jacques
Besides the pain’s (“I’m not enough”) need for “more” (validation), the human simply can’t get enough pleasure.
After dinner, we eat cake. After cake, we eat ice cream. After sex, we want more sex.
“Better” is “more’s” sidekick. The rib-eye over the tri-tip. The organic cake from the independent local baker over the commercial grocery store cake. The iPhone 12 over the nearly identical iPhone 11. The sexier partner over the average partner.
We can group almost all human values and decisions into one category: the anticipation of pleasure.
Our desires and choices are often biological and egoic.
While pleasurable in the moment, the second bowl of ice cream, purchasing the designer purse, and cheating on our partner, unfortunately, have slumber consequences.
Now the question becomes, how do we differentiate between egoic desires and necessary changes? How do we make decisions we won’t regret?
How To Live With The Ego
“Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” — Eckhart Tolle
The ego’s voice will romanticize and exaggerate details to pull you towards pleasure or away from pain. But what are the whispers of the True voice?
(Reminder: don’t punish the ego with the emotional whips of anger, resentment, shame, and guilt.)
My least favorite job happened to be the highest paying. Last summer, I got my first restaurant gig as a busser at a luxurious steakhouse. I was excited because my friend who there told me many bussers made full-time income on part-time hours. Also, she said if I worked hard enough, I could become a server and bartender and make even more money than the bussers.
I worked at Starbucks for the previous six years and never imagined a job could be worse than waking up 3:30am or getting screamed at by caffeine zombies. But I was wrong.
I sat outside the restaurant with my nitro cold brew, mentally and emotionally, preparing for my shift. I contemplated resigning.
“Should I quit? If I quit, will I find a job as high-paying? Is the pay worth the pain? Is the pain all that bad?”
In other words, was it me — my perception of the job? Or the job itself that caused my suffering?
I had to become neutral about the situation. I had to differentiate between the stories I told myself (ego) versus the facts about the job.
It took months of internal contemplation (and a disastrous shift) before I quit. But I did and have been happier since.
There was a girl I liked more than the others. Or, contextually, a girl my ego liked more than the others.
But we weren’t compatible. She’s vegan, and me, well…definitely not vegan. She loved the outdoors, and I only go outside to drive to the store or gym.
I knew we weren’t compatible deep within my being, but I fought long and hard to make it work. I Ignored the differences and focused on the minor similarities. I was very attracted to her, more attracted to her than my previous lovers.
She was the heroine to “I’m not enough.” She was the “better” my ego desired.
During quarantine, alone with myself and reality, I experienced a moment of truth. A truth that was prevenient but buried alive under the ego’s dirt. I silently acknowledged our differences and called it quits between us.
The difference between the voices is felt. And the knowledge of which is speaking is innate.
The ego’s voice is anxious, repetitive, reactive, defensive, self-centered, and emotionally, physically, and spiritually hungry.
The True voice is calm, collected, certain, content, peaceful, and accepting.
Spiritual Gratitude
“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” — Epicurus
There are two options to heal the “I’m not enough” pain (and accompanying validation addiction):
- Repair the ego by believing “I am enough”
- Disidentifying with the ego altogether
The former will require proof from the brain: “I am enough because I’m smart, good-looking, and disciplined.”
A belief (“I am enough”) is the flat surface of a table; the proof (“I’m smart”) the legs. If one of the legs becomes unstable, so does the table.
If you fail a test, your ego will panic because its “intelligence” revealed chinks in the armor. As you age, you lose your hair and your skin wrinkles; how “good-looking” are you then? You slept very little and had to work overtime and decide to skip the gym; what will your ego think about your “discipline”?
“Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center.” — Osho
We are less vulnerable to fear, anxiety, and shame when we don’t personalize events, thoughts, feelings, and characteristics. When we build a “healthy” identity or self-image, it now becomes something we have to protect.
Letting go of the ego is difficult because we receive some payoff from it, even if that payoff is pain. Romanticizing or exaggerating life crises is a ploy of the “victim” that hopes for attention, money, and sympathy. But romanticize pain, and it will remain.
Letting go of the ego also means relinquishment of anticipated pleasure. The ego assumes life would be passionless without the possibility of joy.
But haven’t we learned the risk often isn’t worth the reward? Or the reward isn’t as pleasurable as we predicted?
There is no desire without ego. We can appreciate what we have when we release the need for “more” or “better.”
We can also learn to remain grateful and content while abstaining from biological necessities. Ramadan is a fasting practice that requires Muslims to abstain from all food and drink from dawn to sunset for thirty days. Marriage and commitment are the permanent fastings of sexual variety.
We can be grateful for our present circumstances while acknowledging the need for action. We can experience peace in every step. I live with my best friends for discounted rent. I’m thankful but realize at thirty years old, it’s time to “grow up” — to live independently. And privacy and peace are necessary during my Master’s program and for my spiritual growth.
The ego has your best interest at heart. Its only concern is helping you survive and feel good while living in this world. But we’d feel much better if it didn’t exist, if we committed “ego death.”
Peace and contentment are available to us at all times if we align to it, if we make their reality our intention, if we release our egoic and biological drives.
(Final reminder: Don’t judge the ego because you’ll only be criticizing yourself. But do transcend it.)
“The real opposition is that between the ego-bound man, whose existence is structured by the principle of having, and the free man, who has overcome his egocentricity.” — Erich Fromm
The Inside & Out email list will help you achieve your internal and external goals.
