Why We Try To Control What Others Think Of Us
How To Let Go Of Approval & Find Your Authentic Self
We attempt to control how others perceive us to get their approval. We want others to believe we possess characteristics that will get their approval. We try to appear spiritual, funny, intelligent, and perfect. We interpret their approval as proof we’re cool, attractive, or loveable.
We use control because the warmth and attention we received in childhood were inconsistent. Our parents would, at times, compliment us and tell us how proud they were of us. And at other times, they were distracted, emotionally unavailable, and disapproving. The inconsistency left us feeling as if we were walking on eggshells. Control is our genetic tendency to soothe ourselves.
The Negatives of Control
Control works but at what cost? The worst thing we can receive is approval for not being ourselves. It feels good when that tip or trick works to get someone to like you, but now you have to uphold the facade to maintain acceptance.
“Self-Help Junkies” are the biggest culprits of persona configuration. They read a book about “positive thinking” and believe they always have to be positive.
(Positive thinking is an attempt to control the way we feel.)
They’re always smiling, laughing, and “finding the silver lining”. These people are more charismatic and a pleasure to be around than their counterparts — the mopy, apathetic folk. “How are you so positive all the time?” their coworkers ask. Feeling euphoric because their performance worked, they become attached to being “positive”.
The Buddha said, “attachment is the cause of suffering”. The Self-Help Junkie’s relationship to his persona is no different from addicts to drugs: the high is so pleasurable they can’t let go of the habit.
But the Self-Help Junkie, like any human, has a day where they’re not “feeling it” — they are stressed and anxious, and their peers notice. “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you happy as usual?” And worse, “I like the ‘positive you’ better.”
Feeling judged and unaccepted, anxiety turns to anger, and the Self-Help Junkie lashes out. The junkie worries that their cover is blown, that people will not see them as “positive”, and they’ll lose the approval they tried so hard to gain. They can’t focus on their work or favorite show because their minds are fixated on how their peers currently perceive them. And how or if they can regain their approval.
Signs You Use Control To Get Approval
- Constantly thinking of what you will say in conversations
- Replay conversations to see what you could’ve or should’ve said
- Feel tense or anxious or stiff in social situations
- Try to appear “cool”, “smooth”, or any other characteristic you believe is superior or will get you approval
- Imposter Syndrome — feel anxious around people that like you for your front because you fear they will eventually see the real you
How To Let Go of Approval
Chasing approval and using control to get love are habits. And habits are challenging to break because they require effort, and humans are biologically hardwired to conserve energy for fight or flight moments. Below are paradigm shifts that will inspire you to let go of approval:
“Enough is Enough”
Feeling hurt and angry after a breakup, a man decides “enough is enough.” He begins to go to the gym, eat healthily, read self-improvement books. Feeling confident and courageous, he goes to bars and clubs and finds a woman that warms his heart.
After losing it all: her family, her friends, and her house, an addict says “enough is enough” and checks into rehab. Through counseling, introspection, and inner healing, she reunites with loved ones, finds a job, and feels content and complete.
Pain is a stronger motivator than pleasure. One would argue an addict is influenced to drink to feel the euphoria of inebriation. But if one was feeling pleasure in mind and body, why drink?
There’s no addiction without pain.
Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze
We hold onto beliefs, emotions, and actions if we benefit from them and disregard opposing evidence of their hazard.
We “play victim” because we receive emotional (sympathy) and/or physical (favor, money, second chance) rewards. But we give away our power when we let others determine our fate. We never become independent, resourceful adults when we are dependent on others. Lastly, conjuring up stories and excuses is anxiety-ridden.
We have to acknowledge the payoffs were receiving for our habits and ask ourselves if the juice is worth the squeeze? If, perhaps, there’s another way? A more peaceful and content way to get our needs met?
Contextually, we can acknowledge that controlling perception does work. We often get people to believe our facade, we get their approval, and we feel “high.” Can we also acknowledge the negatives of control? The anxiety? The reactivity? The lack of authenticity?
Surrender
As we’ve recontextualized and acknowledged the faults in our habits, we begin to surrender. We become aware of the moments when we feel the urge to control and resist. We notice the tension in our body and release it. We notice when we’ve been lost in thought about what others think of us and release it. We notice the confusion about how to act and release it. We notice the confusion about who we are and release it. We notice guilt about our habits and release it. We notice the grief about “losing” control to get love and release it. We notice the anger about surrender and release it.
Your Authentic Self
With enough acceptance and openness about our emotions, we realize our true Self. We can objectively note our inner experience and how it correlates to our outer and understand what makes us “tick.”
We realize why we like or dislike particular foods, shows, movies, content, and hobbies. We don’t feel the need to label ourselves and have others recognize us as a “writer”, “artist”, or “introvert”. With less guilt and shame about who we are, we feel comfortable expressing ourselves.
With more acceptance of the true Self, we feel less inclined to change who we are to get others to love us. “I’m fine.” “I’m ok whether you like me or don’t.” “It is what it is.”
You didn’t receive enough consistent love as a child. Don’t criticize yourself for desiring love as an adult. Realize we can exercise power by giving ourselves unconditional compassion and acceptance rather than chase it from others.
Accept all that is you. Transcend habitual thoughts, emotions, and actions that aren’t helpful or most efficient. Prioritize others who appreciate your authentic Self.
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