Why My Tinder Profile Sucks
COVID has destroyed my dating life.
And I hate social media. I just created an Instagram a year ago. TikTok bugs the crap out of me. But what other options do I have to talk to a human that’ll make me more excited than an old man on Viagra?
None. So I created a Tinder account.
First month: no matches.
Second month: no matches.
“Maybe I’m doing something wrong,” I assumed while laying on my bed staring up at my phone, depressed, lonely, and horny (the worst emotional cocktail known to man).
After some research, I realized my profile was awful. My pictures were blurry and my bio was generic.
I added pictures of me doing fun stuff and with pretty girls (social proof is a real thing).
Then came time to write the bio.
Minutes later after staring at a blank section…
I’d write something and immediately delete it. After hours of typing and deleting and getting increasingly frustrated, I added a fun fact that I found interesting:
“It’s impossible to plug your nose and hum at the same time.”
Did your try it?
I bet you did. And that was the hope when a pretty girl would stumble upon my profile.
Plug their nose, attempt to hum, realizing they can’t, smile, and think “he’s funny. I’ll swipe right.”
But my results were depressing. I got a couple of likes but still not the response I was looking for.
I’m a good-looking guy, I’m not absolutely insane, and I’d say I’m a decent human (unbiased humbly speaking, of course). While these qualities transfer well in real life (in the form of dates and attraction from girls that make my heart climb to my throat), they don’t replicate virtually.
I believe it’s because I suck at writing “Bios” or “About Me” sections online. This post is my attempt (and practice) at writing about myself in prayer that a soul reading it will be moved enough to swipe right or want to hear from me more.
So here goes nothing…
My name is Bryce and I’ll be 30 years young on August 21st. Yes, I’m a Leo.
(Astrological signs are popular facts on dating profiles, right?)
I’m finishing my last semester and finally get my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. I want to become a Marriage and Family Therapist so I’m currently applying to graduate programs.
But what I really want to do is write pretty little words that make people feel as if they just had a therapy session. I want people to believe they just dipped their soul in caramelize prose after reading an article I wrote.
More specifically, I write about mental health and life and how the two dance together so beautifully.
I don’t know a human who hasn’t dealt with some sort of emotional trauma or limitation.
I used to have social anxiety — an anxiety that prevented me from kissing a girl in high school, experiencing my first relationship until I was 23, and getting my license until I was 20.
I’ve spent the last 11 years of my life reading, watching videos, and using life as my laboratory to test all the content I’ve consumed. My writings are like scientific articles but less boring and more soulful (I hope).
When I’m not babbling about mental health and writing I’m either babbling about basketball or dating reality television (Love Island, Temptation Island, and The Bachelor).
I’m an uncle as of 5 months ago. Still very weird and uncomfortable because my brother is younger than me and he will forever be my little sidekick, my Robin to my Batman.
OK, I don’t know what else to write and I don’t like talking about myself because at heart I’m a shy introvert that rather listen and observe while hiding in a corner.
How’d I do?
Was this “Bio” or “About me” good?
Did it make you want to swipe right or hear more from me?
I sure hope so because if not, I’m deleting my Tinder profile and I’m going to hide in my room, deny the biological drive to procreate another human, and talk to myself in the form of sweet little words.
If you liked my writing thus far, perhaps you’ll like these little gems. Others have (besides my mom) because they’re my most popular quips:
- You’re Not Shy, You’re Introverted
- The Best Mindset to Have Before the Relationship
- Everything You Know About Purpose is Wrong
- How to Connect With Anyone
- 7 Reasons to Focus on Feelings Rather Than Thoughts
Kanye Wests’ most popular song is Gold Digger featuring Jamie Foxx. But his personal favorite is Can’t Tell Me Nothing. Like Kanye, I have my personal faves as well: