Why He Left You “Out of Nowhere”
You Don’t Need His Reasons to Feel Peace.
His actions torment her.
She’s angry because she’s hurt. She wants answers. She wants to know why he’s been dismissive. She wants to know why he’s been distancing himself.
She wants to know why he broke up with her from what appears “out of nowhere.”
She’s alone physically but not spiritually. She converses with cycles of grief and fury and contemplation that act as a second entity.
“Why did he say that? What does it mean? What does it mean about me? Did I deserve it? Did I do something wrong? Will I ever be loved again? Am I loveable?”
Her self-esteem straps on boxing gloves and throws jabs and hooks at unpleasant beliefs and images to avoid further pain.
She just wants an explanation, something that resembles truth. She wants answers that will destroy this inner merry-go-round-from-hell so she can return to work and her hobbies with a clear mind and peaceful body.
But what she doesn’t realize is that her desire for answers prison her. Answers are unnecessary and mean little because they could be false words. And possibly, she may never receive them.
If she wants to be free, she has to understand human behavior. She has to learn people have robotic tendencies. What he said or did was an expression of unhealed trauma.
She has to realize it wasn’t her fault. She shouldn’t take his actions personally. Ideally, she’d have compassion for him while processing her pain and anger.
He’s in pain and he doesn’t know it. And he’s not to blame.
Trauma is generational. He inherited it from his parents, who inherited it from their parents (his grandparents).
Perhaps, as a child, his mom told him to “shut up” while he was crying. He internalized this as “I need to suppress my desires to get love from my parents to survive.” He now feels uncomfortable expressing himself (because he doesn’t know how to) and feels tension and flees.
Of course, she should reflect and determine if she had a role in his actions or triggered his pain in any way. If she did (knowingly or unknowingly), now she understands the cause: unhealed trauma.
Perhaps she interpreted his cold demeanor as rejection and got upset. A deja vu experience from her childhood when her dad ignored her and watched television on the couch instead of listening to her talk about what she learned at school.
“Again?” she wondered as her belief of being unloveable surfaced and triggered her fear and anger.
“Seek first to understand than be understood” — Brian Tracy
She understands him. She understands herself. She understands the world.
Her identity is now free from external events. She knows the reasons for another’s actions and can respond accordingly — with tenderness, with curiosity.
Her connection and relationship with herself and others will strengthen.
It’s nobody’s fault — his, hers, or theirs. Trauma is a disease that controls human consciousness. Be soft. Compassionately inquire (verbally or silently) about their pain and your pain. Move with ease.
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