Scientists & Buddha Disagree About Goals
How To Be Happy During and After “The Chase”
“Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” — Mahatma Gandhi
Motivation expert Edward Locke noted during years of experiments and analysis that goals give life meaning and increase motivation, and improve self-efficacy, which increases self-esteem.
Mark Murphy confirmed and expanded upon Locke’s research in his 2010 book, Hard Goals: The Secret to Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. Murphy revealed the human brain is biologically wired for goal setting.
Lastly, Abraham Maslow established self-actualization — achieving one’s full potential — as the most essential necessity in his famous diagram of the Hierarchy of Needs.
But haven’t we learned from personal experience and the anecdotal evidence of others that striving and accomplishing goals isn’t as glamourous as we assume? Or that “the juice ain’t worth the squeeze?”
Lebron James, arguably the best basketball player in the world, left his hometown to “chase a ring” with his friends and players Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat. Not only was he unhappy winning championships with his friends, but he lost respect and admiration from fans and associates. He later returned to play for his hometown, winning the first championship in Cleveland Caviller history. Recently he said he regretted leaving Cleveland even though he won more in Miami.
Kevin Durant didn’t learn from James’ experience and followed in his footsteps. He left Oklahoma, the city that “raised him,” to win a championship with the Golden State Warriors. After winning his first title, Rachel Nichols, long-time basketball analyst and friend of Durant’s, interviewed the superstar and said he seemed unhappy despite his success.
“It’s lonely at the top” is a phrase popularized by the leaders, best-selling artists, and most skilled athletes. Why is this so? Is it because there’s no competition? No. It’s because during the path towards success, towards greatness, one cuts ties with the outside world, including friends, family, and lovers.
Michael Jordan reportedly had very few friends. His best friend was his father, who was murdered during Michael’s 1993 season. Lost, confused, and unmotivated, Jordan retired at an early age from basketball to play baseball because that was his dad’s favorite sport.
Kobe Bryant, the Laker superstar who tragically died in 2020, replied “not really” when asked if he had friends. Bryant elaborates:
“I have ‘like minds.’ You know, I’ve been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hang out aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No. We want to work. I enjoy working.”
The interviewer pressed Bryant further, asking if he purposely avoids relationships:
“Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a ‘great friend’ is something I will never be. I can be a ‘good’ friend. But not a ‘great’ friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I’ll get so wrapped up in my s — t (work), I’ll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they’re usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But the kind of relationships you see in movies — that’s impossible for me. I have good relationships with players around the league. LeBron and I will text every now and then. KG (Kevin Garnette) and I will text every now and then. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships — that’s something I will probably never have.”
So we lose the people closest to us during “the chase” and often realize the reward isn’t as pleasurable as we expected, or its euphoria doesn’t last longer than weeks, days, or seconds. Some of the world’s most famous celebrities fall into a depression when their stardom shines the brightest and experience addiction and other weird behaviors and habits: Britney Spears shaving her head, Amanda Bynes getting face tattoos, and Mel Gibbson’s racist tirades.
For some celebrities, addictions cause accidental or intentional suicide: Heath Ledger, Mac Miller, River Pheonix, Kurt Cobain, Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams, and Avicii.
The Buddha said, “the root of all suffering is attachment.” Attachment meaning (in this context) the assumed reward of accomplishing our goals — material objects, money, status, fame, and happiness. To combat this attachment, the Buddha isolated himself from the world to purposely train his mind and body to find joy “in the now.” Meditation, mindfulness, and self-inquiry were among the methods he developed to teach himself to derive positive emotions internally.
Many other spiritual teachers and average folk have taken the Buddha’s path, deprived themselves of typical worldly pleasures and standards, and have experienced “success” spiritually. But their path isn’t available to most — the many humans going to school or who have careers and families.
And how sustainable are isolated results? In other words, will the meditator maintain his blissful state if you remove him from his mat in the ashram?
I’ve dated yoga and meditation teachers who were content as long as they were in a pose or sitting cross-legged. While still lovely women outside of the studio, they struggled with anxiety, depression, and competitiveness.
The science says we need goals. But the evidence shows they can be detrimental. What’s one to do? Abolish dreams, desires, and wants? Accept “the chase” will always call and accompany loneliness, inevitable disappointment, and suffering? Shall we assume that there will be no permanent joy in achievement and remain stagnant because “what’s the point?”
There is a way to experience the joy of meaning, the “high” of accomplishment without the despair of isolation and everlasting dissatisfaction. But first, we have to examine our genetics and why it often chases fake treasure.
The Biology of Desire
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” — C.G. Jung
We wouldn’t be alive if our ancestors didn’t do everything in their power to be part of a group because hunting, farming, building shelter, and protecting themselves was a difficult task for a solo traveler.
To be accepted into a group, our ancestors had to showcase their abilities to prove their worth. We can’t exhibit what we don’t possess. So our ancestors had to develop an inner image, identity, often referred to as the ego. They had to cultivate the beliefs that they were “powerful, strong, resilient” to perform well in front of the gatekeepers.
But the performance didn’t cease to exist once accepted; it had to increase. The members at the lower end of the totem pole “scrapped the bottom of the barrel” for food, water, and shelter. The leaders of the tribes had first dibs on the highest quality of scarce resources. So, to further ascend the hierarchal ladder, our distant relatives had to become more valuable than the other members in their tribe to reassure survival further.
Hierarchal systems advanced during the Medieval Ages where Kings got five-course meals, his closest members ofter but not always enjoying the feast with the King, but the peasants had to lie, cheat, steal, and kill or starve to death. The King slept on a “King-sized mattress.” The peasant slept on the dirt under any protection from rain, hail, sleet, or snow.
Has much changed in 2021?
High, medium, lower classes. Rich, average, poor. CEO, President, manager, employee.
The ego hates being “normal” and wants to “rank up” to secure “more” and “better” goods. “There’s nothing worse than being ordinary,” exclaims seductive high school temptress before kissing much older Lester (Kevin Spacey) in the movie American Beauty. Lester’s wife cheated on him with the rich and popular real estate agent because of his superior status and because her values aligned with the mogul’s.
The ego will glamourize future awards, painting pictures of how amazing their life will be once they get a promotion, a Tesla, or Rolex. A man will climb the corporate ladder because his mind sprinkled fairy dust on the title “President of Sales and Marketing.” He assumes that once he’s named President, he’ll relax more, work less, be admired by the sexy secretary, and make six figures to buy a Harley, which would increase his status and allure.
After working sixty hours a week and missing family dinners for months, he becomes President. But later learns that reality doesn’t match the fantasy. His new position requires more working hours because he has increased responsibilities, he’s so stressed and angry that no one (especially the secretary) what’s to be in his presence, and he has “young bucks” looking to dethrone him from his title.
As we see, the ego is very faulty. But it’s innate, and without it, I wouldn’t be typing this, and you wouldn’t be reading it. As annoying and destructive as the ego is, we must avoid condemnation. We must resist the urge to mentally and emotionally “whip it into shape.” Treating the ego with disdain is, unintentionally, treating ourselves with the same energy because it’s an aspect of the human personality. We can’t reject a slice of the pie without inadvertently dismissing the pie entirely.
Egoic vs Spiritual Goals
“A storyteller makes up things to help other people; a liar makes up things to help himself.” — Daniel Wallace
From the previous section, we understand the appearance of egoic goals. But let’s add further clarity and description. Egoic goals strive for and desire:
- Fame
- Money
- Status
- Power
- Physical Beauty
- Anything that will inflate its image to get “more” and “better” goods
Now let’s contrast egoic intentions with higher consciousness values and spiritual goals. Spiritual goals strive for and desire:
- Self-actualization
- Enlightenment
- Authenticity
- Philanthropy
- Service
- Sharing
- Giving
- Anything that will help and be of service to others
A key distinguishing characteristic isn’t the external direction or set point but the intention. A man can desire to escalate towards the top of the corporate ladder because he wants to change the company’s intrinsic values. Or make more money to support his family or give to charity. An athlete can train rigorously to become famous for being a professional. Or he can train blood, sweat, and tears to push himself to the brink, to help his organization and teammates win a championship, for the love of the sport and pursuit of mastery, or to inspire others to work hard.
“The most important thing is to inspire others so they can be great in whatever it is they want to do.” — Kobe Bryant
A person can join the marines and fight and risk life for their country because they don’t believe they can do anything else; it’s a last resort. Or because they want to protect the freedom of their fellow man.
How do we determine if our goals are egoic or spiritual?
We must first ask ourselves what we want. Further, we must not judge ourselves for our desires because shame and guilt is the disease of confidence, motivation, and action.
Lastly, we must realize our goals and intentions can be both egoic and spiritual. And that context is king.
I want to become a full-time writer. To accomplish this goal, I need to pay attention to likes and follows. I need to acquire some notoriety. I need to learn how to sell books to make money.
I eventually want to write a New York Times Best Selling Book because it implies success and impact.
A musician desires to sell out stadiums because attention is pleasurable and because it means their songs have inspired others. A bodybuilder needs to look good naked, so their focus is on physical appearance and self-mastery.
A basketball player may strive to be the best player ever, like Jordan or Kobe. In a spiritual context, competition and comparison are unhealthy. But for a basketball player, it comes with the sport and is a necessity.
Desires and goals are expressions of authenticity. I want to be a writer. My brother would rather lose a limb than attempt to build an audience, read a book, or write an article. But regardless of our wants, the path towards obtaining them can be an opportunity for self-actualization or reaching our full potential.
The True Path of Enlightenment
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” — Ursula K. Le Guin
I weighed two hundred and forty pounds on New Years Day (January 1st) of this year. Two hundred and forty pounds at six feet tall is very overweight. I looked in the mirror after taking off my shirt before hopping in the shower and felt defeated. I told myself I needed to have a six-pack by my 30th birthday on August 21st.
I worked out five to six days a week regardless of how tired I was, regardless of how many hours I worked, regardless of how much homework I had, regardless of how much I didn’t “feel like it.”
I ate the caloric number that would guarantee my weight loss regardless if my roommates were eating pizza, regardless of how hungry I was, regardless if I was at a delicious restaurant. I only overate on four days — Superbowl and three family get-togethers — prior to my birthday. That’s four days in eight and a half months.
Today — August 21st, 2021 — I have a six-pack for the first time in my life. But I gained much more than a sexy physique from my weight loss journey.
There are three stages of personal and spiritual growth: having, doing, and being. You want something. You do activities to obtain it. You become a better version of yourself.
I wanted a six-pack. I had to do all the little behaviors that would get me lean. I became a more disciplined, confident, and content person.
I can now apply the skills I acquired to any other endeavor, like building an audience. I read fiction and non-fiction books almost every day. I research and write almost every day.
At first, getting a six-pack was purely physically motivated. I wanted to look good without my clothes on. I wanted to wear a shirt without my gut and man boobies hanging out. I wanted to walk a California beach with pride. I got into the jacuzzi tonight with my best friend and devilishly smiled with confidence, knowing I looked good when I took my shirt off.
But I feel way better internally. Self-love is a balance between acceptance and improvement. I learned to love myself through my weight loss journey because I accepted myself at two hundred and forty pounds while improving to one hundred and seventy pounds and getting a six-pack — a goal I’ve craved for twelve years. I recently changed the name of my email list to Inside & Out because I believe success should be fulfilling externally and internally. But, like you and every other person in the world, I’ve failed to reach my goal.
Success Isn’t Guaranteed
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” — Dr. Seuss
I wanted to become a college basketball player. I worked harder than my teammates and other players I played with locally. I played basketball every day in high school. I watched all the Laker games and any nationally televised games. I even watched the summer league and preseason games.
A couple of players I played with “made it” and I didn’t.
Young hockey players in Canada are more likely to make it to the NHL if their birthdays are earlier in the year because of a January 1st cut-off date discovered by Malcolm Gladwell in Outliers: The Story of Success. A ten-year-old could be grouped with the eight and nine-year-olds if his birthdate is in the winter. The year of maturity makes him look superior, and he gets chosen for travel teams with better coaches and more opportunities to practice and play. Most players in the NHL are from Canada because hockey is very popular. Most of the players’ birthdays are between January and March.
Despite what your favorite self-help guru has told you, success isn’t guaranteed. We only hear about the victories because they make a better marketing story.
Would you continue pursuing your goals if the odds were stacked against you? Would you continue on your current path if there wasn’t an outcome? Would you fight another day if success wasn’t guaranteed?
“You have the right to work, but for the work’s sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work.” — Bhagavad Gita
I would continue to work out if I never got a six-pack because I love lifting weights. I don’t regret playing basketball every day in high school because I love the game and love working on my skill. I still play many times a month and do drills as if I was competing for a spot on a college roster. I watch basketball more than anything else on television. And I will publish articles because I love helping people.
Love is the purest intention we can express. Your love may look different than mine. But if our goals are grounded in some aspect of love, the “chase” will be as pleasurable (if not more) than the reward. And if we don’t accomplish our goal, we’ll be better versions of ourselves and more self-actualized because we’ll realize our heart’s truth.
The Inside & Out email list will help you achieve your internal and external goals.
