How To Love Without The Suffering of Attachment
The Paradox of Scientific Love & Spiritual Detachment.
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it.” — George Bernard Shaw
We would be dead if we didn’t attach to people.
“The propensity to make strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature,” said John Bowlby, the British psychologist who discovered the survival necessity of attachment.
Bowlby explained that a child needed to attach to their parent figures (especially mother) to survive — get food, water, and shelter.
Bowlby isn’t the only psychologist to recognize the importance of attachment. Abraham Maslow created The Hierarchy of Needs and noted “Belongingness and Love” as essential for survival.
But the Buddha, through years of contemplation and meditation, realized “the root of all suffering is attachment.” Attachments to material objects, ideas, and people cause suffering because the universe is constantly in flux, and loss is inevitable.
One might wonder:
“Is it possible to love without attachment?”
“Or attach without love’s intensity?”
“How can we experience the positives (and necessities) of love — physical and emotional connection — without the negatives of attachment — heartbreak, jealousy, anxiety, anger?”
Survival Attachment vs Egoic Attachment
“The ego hurts you like this: you become obsessed with the one person who does not love you. blind to the rest who do.” — Warsan Shire
We’re dependent on our parents to meet our physiological (food, water, shelter) and emotional (love) needs to survive childhood. In adulthood, it’s necessary to develop independence to “fly from the nest.” And here is where the ego is born.
Self-esteem is mandatory in adulthood, according to Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. We can’t develop an identity of self without the ego. The health of our self-esteem was (perhaps) unfortunately determined by how attentive our parents were to us during childhood.
If our parents were dismissive or ignored our “cries” for attention, warmth, or food, we believed “I am not enough” to be loved and nurtured. This belief fuels our need for approval in adulthood which fosters unhealthy mechanisms: overcompensation, manipulation, perception control, lack of boundaries, and caretaking.
In other words, if we have a damaged perspective of self (ego), we will attach to the outside world to derive a high sense of value. We will seek status, power, and love to increase our worth. In this context, attachment causes suffering because we built our identity on sand.
The Codependency Misconception
“We must choose to be dependent. There is nothing powerless about the choice to be dependent and it is safe assuming that both people realize that their wellbeing is inseparable from the other person.” — Teal Swan
Our dependence on others continues into adulthood. “It takes two to tango” sexually, emotionally, and to have children.
The Oxford Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.” Oxford’s description makes codependency appear unhealthy or “toxic.”
Unfortunately, this definition has plagued mainstream media influencing therapists, coaches, and gurus to label codependency as unhealthy or “toxic.” If we were to examine the word closely, though, we’d realize the common folk’s interpretation is incorrect.
“Co” means joint, and “dependence” means reliance on someone else. So, “joint reliance.” Nothing so harmful or unhealthy about this definition. In fact, it accurately describes intimate relationships.
Also, society pedestals independence — “lone wolf,” “I can do it myself,” “I don’t need others to be happy” — which skews the perspective of dependence. Codependence is interpreted as weakness and independence as strength.
Again, we’re (co)dependent on our partner to fulfill our needs. But dependency becomes an issue if our behaviors, communication, and reactions are unhealthy.
“Dying” for attention and approval via verbal and physical affirmations is unhealthy. Planning and plotting ways to control your partners’ opinions to satisfy your desires is unhealthy. Becoming anxious when your partner doesn’t respond to your text within two minutes is unhealthy.
Feeling content, comfortable, and safe, whether your partner gives you warmth or affection, is healthy. Letting them (and you) be as they are without the need to change or control is healthy. Assuming your partner will do the right thing and trusting yourself to respond appropriately if they don’t is healthy.
The Highest of Necessities
“If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.” — Abraham Maslow
Maslow ranks Self-Actualization as the most crucial human need. Self-actualization is the achievement of one’s full potential.
As we grow into our greatness, our desires, goals, actions, and needs change. Our relationships need to adapt to our current selves, or the pair will “grow apart.”
We need to find partners that are compatible with who we are in this moment and who we wish to become. A professional athlete will spend most of their day training, studying film, and traveling. They’ll need a partner who will “stay at home” to care for the house, kids and cook their nutritious meals. The athlete’s partner must be self-sufficient, accountable, and assertive. A disabled veteran will need a partner, companion, and “soldier” in their own right to help the vet bathe, enter a vehicle, and help them get in and out of bed. A female with an anxious attachment style will require a securely attached male to validate her frequently and make her feel safe.
How To Handle The Emotions of Dependency
“Love is misunderstood to be an emotion; actually, it is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others.” — David R. Hawkins
Again, we are dependent on others for the sake of our well-being. But how can we be in a relationship without being of it?
Our state of consciousness determines our thoughts, feelings, and actions. If we’re in a state of Fear, we’ll assume our spouse is cheating on us if they don’t return a text immediately, come home late from work, or take longer than usual at the grocery store. Shame believes they are never enough and misinterpret every action as evidence. “He’s quiet because he’s mad at me and doesn’t love me anymore. He’s on his phone while we’re cuddling on the couch together because he’s bored of me.” Bowlby’s introspection about Anger is illuminating: “As responses to the risk of loss, anxiety and anger go hand in hand.”
Fear, Anger, Shame, and Pride are the consciousness of the egoic false self. Beneath these states lies within the default states of true Self — Neutrality, Peace, Courage, and Acceptance.
“The human psyche, like human bones, is strongly inclined towards self-healing.” — John Bowlby
We can return to the true Self by releasing the negative emotions of the false self or setting our intention on the higher states of consciousness and relinquishing the internal blockages to their manifestation.
When we release the compulsion to control others to get love and approval, we experience Neutrality: “I’m ok whether I’m with this person or not.” In Acceptance, we see the Truth of people and a situation: “It is what it is.” With objectivity, we can distinguish fact from fiction. And with authenticity, we can determine our reactions and involvement in the relationship. We can comfortably ask ourselves if we’re capable of meeting our partners’ needs and if they’re capable of meeting ours.
The relinquishment of Shame, Fear, and Pride releases with it unhealthy dependence and attachment to unfulfilling relationships. Courage shines fourth and one, feeling self-sufficient and confident, chooses to leave and spend time alone or find a new partner.
Do It For Them
“What we heal in ourselves, we heal in others.” — David R Hawkins
It is possible to love — to feel warmth, bliss, and euphoria — while managing the density of attachment — anger, anxiety, and reactiveness. But to experience the pros without the cons demands perseverance.
Raising our consciousness is perhaps the most challenging journey we can embark on because the world’s largest hurdles are often internal. Racism, violence, and division are actions of a lower state of consciousness that have survived since human existence.
And our biology isn’t supporting our endeavors. Our genetics want to conserve as much energy as possible for fight or flight scenarios. And if we have satisfied our necessities for food, water, and shelter, our DNA will stay the course of dissatisfaction, pain, and suffering. It’s willing to be miserable as it works, eats, and drinks.
“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” — Viktor E. Frankl
Transversing confusion, reliving trauma, constructing the Courage to acknowledge flaws, yet the Compassion to accept them requires a purpose greater than ourselves.
As we’ve realized, relationships can damage or heal our souls. A reticule from a parent can harm our sense of self. A therapist can repair the scars of our childhood. A securely attached individual can elevate the anxiously attached to secure.
We need to “attach” to a meaning greater than our suffering. We need to commit to the journey of healing ourselves and raising our consciousness to heal the world: our parents, children (or future children), friends, coworkers, random strangers, and our romantic partners.
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