Don’t Become Your Idol
How To Use Comparison To Find Your Authentic Self
I didn’t compare myself to others before I started reading self-improvement books.
I didn’t care to compare my self-esteem, confidence, charisma, and “consciousness” until I read books about said topics.
It’s true: Ignorance is bliss.
Also, I was content with where I stood amongst society’s values and standards: I’m 6'0, good-looking, and caucasian. So I didn’t feel the urge to compare. But when I did, I felt comfortable, even superior.
But once my knowledge increased, so did my insecurities. I learned that confidence, not looks, is what matters most socially. “Am I as confident as him?” became a frequent question when entering new situations surrounded by unfamiliar people.
I learned your state of consciousness, your emotions, and your energy determines your success in all areas of life. “Is my energy as ‘high vibe’ as theirs?”
The people closest to me became my measuring sticks, specifically and, unfortunately, my best friend. He checked off all the characteristics from the books I read: He’s centered, confident, naturally mysterious, and attractive to the opposite sex, and he always seemed to make the correct decision intuitively.
What was once a fun and loving relationship became a source of anxiety and control. I felt anxious around my best friend because I felt “below” him. I interpreted any joke, comment, or remark as an attack and reacted aggressively because I feared losing his approval. I attempted to control his perception of me. I wanted him to believe I “had it all figured out”; that I was spiritual — peaceful, content, and enlightened. I wanted him to think I was confident and unapologetically “myself”, so I’d say whatever I wanted without regard for others’ emotions. I made my body relaxed to appear grounded and at ease, but I was tense because control is anxiety-ridden. I would isolate myself frequently, canceling plans and making excuses as to why I couldn’t hang out because walking on eggshells trying (and failing) to control his opinion was exhausting and scary, and I felt guilty for reacting “negatively” to his words.
Comparison can be healthy and used positively. Comparision can be used as inspiration, motivation, and as a template and guidance to success.
At a young age, Kobe Bryant idolized and mimicked Michael Jordan. Eminem wanted to be similar to The Beastie Boys. As a writer, content creator, and teacher, I look up to Ryan Holiday and David R Hawkins.
Bryant, more than Eminem and myself, strived to be his idol. He spoke with the same cadence and chewed his gum similarly to Jordan. His jump shot and fadeaway looked identical. He wanted to outdo Jordan at his own game. He wanted to score more than him while winning more than him. Bryant’s obsession was his Achilles heel.
If his teammates didn’t work as hard as him, he would harass them. Bryant feared if his teammates didn’t match his intensity, he wouldn’t win more championships than Jordan. But who can match the intensity of a possessed man?
To overrule Jordan, Kobe believed he had to score as much if not more while winning. Kobe’s desire to be the leading scorer in the league forced him to be a “ball hog” and unpopular amongst his teammates.
Kobe is the closest player to surpass Jordan figuratively and literally. Kobe’s jump shot and fadeaway were better. His ball-handling was flashier and more effective. But many consider Lebron James the only player to actually be better than Jordan because James is different from Jordan.
“I never want to be like Mike. I’m my own player”, James said as a rookie in the NBA. It’s James’ individuality and authenticity that puts him in a “league” of his own. James’ career decisions have affected the game more than any other player in history. Before James, players stayed with their team even if it meant losing or not contending for a title. James didn’t care for this narrative. He wanted to win regardless of how he did it, even if that meant taking a backseat to his teammates and receiving a decrease in salary.
Kobe was more skilled than Jordan. But his game was so similar in style the difference in ability was invisible to the eye. And Kobe’s personality and bravado were Jordan’s. Perhaps Kobe would be considered the greatest to “lace them up” if he would’ve made a decision or two that Jordan didn’t or wouldn’t. What if he altered his fadeaway a bit? Treated his teammates with more kindness? Decided to score more but sacrifice winning? Or score less, join forces with other great players, make a mense with Shaq and win 12 titles? Refused the limelights of Hollywood and became a mysterious, silent sage who would only appear from his cave to “ball”?
A lack of authenticity isn’t the only downside to comparison. Comparison is a win-lose game. Sometimes you “win” compared to some and “lose” compared to others. Regardless, loss is inevitable, and so is lowered self-esteem.
We only compare to the ones we want to be. We pedestal our idols and become vulnerable to their beliefs, values, and behaviors even if their way isn’t healthy or suitable for us. How many kids want to do drugs and party like their favorite rappers?
As noted, comparison can be helpful as a guide. Also noted, these “guides” can hinder our growth. The question isn’t “how to overcome comparison?” but “how do we use it without being used by it?”
How To Use Comparison
The first self-improvement book I read was Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins. Positive thinking is a central theme within the book, and I loved it.
I felt powerful and confident because I was in control for the first time in my life. I was in control of my thoughts and feelings — two factors that seemed to plague me since I was a toddler. I didn’t let go of my dad’s leg when we’d enter new settings or family gatherings. I suffered from social anxiety in middle and high school, never going to a football game or dances, including homecoming.
But positive thinking began to control me. I felt shame and guilt whenever I had a negative thought or emotion. “You shouldn’t have these thoughts and feelings. You have to change them. You have to become positive.”
I found peace in spiritual teachings such as mindfulness, letting go, and consciousness. I became “spiritual”, and that’s precisely when peace floated from my being.
Thanks to good marketing, fakery, and manipulation, spiritual teachers and followers always appear soft, gentle, happy, and peaceful. If they didn’t, why would anyone meditate or do yoga?
I fell for the lies. I was always nice and tried to appear at ease. I tried to control how others perceived me, and I became tense, stiff, and socially uncalibrated.
I was in middle school when I learned the between-the-legs crossover — a staple basketball move. Against kids my age, the move was unstoppable. But in high school, the movie was as relevant as Myspace.
I had to adapt, so I learned a new move — the spin. It was by far my most effective move until I played against college players.
Advice, lessons, and “moves” are great, depending on your stage of life. I needed positive thinking in my earlier stages of growth to get the ball moving, to give me the confidence to take action and learn. Currently, I think positive thinking is not helpful because it creates shame around our thoughts and our thoughts are as controllable as the seasons. The between-the-legs crossover was a necessity, a foundational move. I rarely use it when I play pick-up ball against older players at the gym.
Dr. Nicole Lepera, The Holistic Psychologist, with over 4 million followers on Instagram, developed her healing modality via introspection. She tried the theories taught in school, and they failed. She began reading books about many topics that didn’t specifically include psychology: epigenetics, Internal Family Systems (IFS), yoga, nutrition, and polyvagal nerve theory, to name a few.
Dr. Lepera attuned to her body and asked it what it needed. With her knowledge, self-inquiry, and experimentation, she developed a personal healing strategy. She’s coined the term “self-healer” because she believes the only person that knows what they need to heal is themselves.
Stephen Curry is the most popular player in the NBA and has arguably changed the game more than anyone else. His favorite player was the fast, speedy, and elusive Allen Iverson. Curry idolized Iverson and wanted to play just like him but realized he couldn’t. He was taller and nowhere near as fast or quick as Iverson. Curry asked himself how he could become the best player on the court despite his lack of talent.
Steph practiced shooting the ball quicker than other players because he had trouble getting around them or creating enough space to shoot the ball. Traditionally, other players would shoot the ball above their head. But not Curry. He released the ball right above his eye — a lower setpoint that allowed him to start and finish his shot quicker.
Curry holds the record for most three-pointers made in a single game, a season, and has the highest free-throw percentage of all time. Said accomplishments have him as the undisputed best shooter in basketball history. But his impact goes beyond the leader boards. The three-point shot is currently the most popular in the NBA, and many players release the ball from their eye, similar to Curry.
Learn from the greats. Take notes from your idols. But no one person is identical. What works for them may not work for you. You must ask yourself where you want to go, who you want to be, what you want to experience, and reverse engineer how you’re going to get there.
It’s difficult to “leave the nest” when we doubt the strength of our wings. We must reunite with our intuition, that gut feeling that tells us what to eat when hungry or stay away from an angry person.
Fear — fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of disapproval, fear of isolation — disconnects us from our core.
Become comfortable and accept all that is you: the positive, the negative, the anxious, and the confident. It’s only until we unconditionally accept ourselves that we become capable of authentic expression and decision-making.
Remain “all ears” to ideas and suggestions. But listen to your gut to determine your next move or no move. Ask yourself: How does this advice feel? What do I need in this moment and the moments to come?
Follow a guide — a book, a YouTuber, a teacher, an artist — for as long as necessary. One intuitive right turn sets you upon a new path where you might find another guide. Then you make a left turn and find yet another guide. But each chosen turn leads to the destination of you.
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